I think I've discovered why I feel such an intense anxiety every night when I lay down to sleep... being bipolar I never know just which version of myself I'll be when I wake in the morning. And though I'm not always the biggest fan of myself when the lights go out I know that I'm capable of being so much darker, so much more broken. I can't be that me again, I won't survive it a second time.
Can I please be normal now? I've played my part, I've aced my lines, the audience believes I am this funny, social, well dressed, stable, mature woman. A banker of all things. They don't see the terrified little girl who resides within my mind. Disorganized, creative, erratic, loud, irresponsible, broken, depressed, lost. They can't hear the sound of her screaming over my well rehearsed portrayal of normal.
So please. I've earned it. Please let me stop fighting myself, I'm so exhausted, I feel ancient after fighting so many internal wars. I'm bleeding, always bleeding, the wounds are artfully hidden beneath my carefully constructed facade. I want to be free and safe, I want to be optimistic, I want to smile and mean it.
Please.
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